sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
