Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
