Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
