I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
