Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
