News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
