So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
