Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
