Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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