put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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