I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
