i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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