Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
