WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
