ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
