No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
