It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize