Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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