we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
