Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
