I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
