If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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