filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
