i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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