I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
