Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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