I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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