Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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