you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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