Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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