Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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