Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
