I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
