He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
