she woke up with a sticky ear
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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