she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
