last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
