Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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