I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
