erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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