My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
