i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
