I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As shirtless as possible
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
