The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize