I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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