Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Be still, my beating vagina.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
