I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
