don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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