i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
