I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
