I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She announced her abortion via fbk
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize