i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
