i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
