I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
