well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
