My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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